I have an interview this morning with the chiropractic office I’ve wanted to work at for two years and I am just feeling muddy in my spirit. I thought I really could benefit from journaling my emotions and thoughts so that I am clear in my mind going into the interview but also that subconsciously I have dialogued about my heart in this possible transition.
Today is Ev’s 6 month birthday. She is almost 12 lbs. I had the absolute gift of staying home for 6 months with her (both in the NICU and at home home). I used to judge mom’s that went back to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave as moms that didn’t love their babies ultimately. Because I thought they were just abandoning their babies and just handing them off to someone else to take care of them – knowing or not knowing that they were the ones that could only give them the best love and care they could get. Now being a mommy and possibly going back to work I feel that same judgement on myself. I feel like goodness… am I abandoning her? Am I leaving my precious little to fend for herself? But as I type those words, truth and peace within me say differently. I feel that if I were talking to another mommy in my situation I’d tell her “sweet mommy, you have loved that baby unconditionally. Stayed up and changed diapers, fed that hungry mouth, comforted that serious cry, lost important hours of sleep, all to benefit that babe. And now God is bringing this opportunity for you to have a break. To work in an environment you love and bless you with the natural benefits of working with great people and chiro care.”
Still I feel locked up inside. Last night God reminded me of John 15. I need to recite these words for they are life to my spirit. When I read them just a few minutes before I started this entry I actually felt a newness filling my being with life.
I am the true vine, and my Father is vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
Just that section. “Abide in me and I in you.” I feel like that is the answer. That is the key to surviving, not only surviving but living in life. I need to abide in Him. I need to daily be with him. Whatever expression that is, it has to be living in him. My life my source of life comes from Him and I desperately need him. For I know that I can do nothing without him. I feel like I have been trying to be a wife and mommy and balance them without really deriving my source from the vine. I feel like I have lived off stored up manna. I haven’t asked or received the manna for today. But every word is what I should be eating. Everything that proceeds from his mouth is my food.
If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you. By this my father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.
Something that I just spoke to my Father in heaven about was something I have been learning for years, and more recently in the past year. “God Your leadership is perfect. Your timing is right. I relinquish control and trust you with my times.”
You know as I flip through the scriptures, within me, I feel like it’s just right. I think I’m trying to work up emotion that isn’t there, because maybe I feel I ought to feel guilty for wanting to go to work at the chiro office. But If I am being honest… I feel that this is maybe what I need. For many reasons: I feel that this is going to strengthen my spirit as a believer, to have that fellowship with a team of friends at work. I feel that it is going to “up my game” so to speak as a witness to those that don’t fully walk with the Lord yet. I feel it’s going to push me into greatness because I will find myself needing to lean on Jesus every step of the way. There is no way I’ll be able to do this without Him. I think it’s His divine leadership that He is leading me down this road. I believe that this is a circumstance that I thought up differently, and now I need to relinquish my expectations and my standards and ask Abba for His perfect, good, kind, and right perspective for my life.
I was praying with my mom yesterday and I reminded my spirit that God leads me to open doors for my good. He has my good in my mind. He is a father that gives good gifts. He knows me well. If I ask him for bread, he will not give me a stone. He is a good father. He knows me well. All around there are gifts from him and it is mine to gather and praise in them.
I can see myself doing this every morning. Journaling, listening to the prayer room, reading my Father’s words and preparing my heart for the work of the day.
Abba to you I surrender. I give my control back to you – the one who knows how to lead me. I am not hidden from you. Thank you for this gift of the opportunity to finally work with the office I’ve longed to work with. Thank you that this is a gift I have wanted and you have answered me. I will walk by faith not by sight. I will trust you that in this I can and will still be an excellent wife and mother to my sweet girl. In you I can do all things. For you give me strength. Amen.
What joy is found in the laying down of my life.